3:00am

It’s 3am again. I’m laying in bed with a pain so sharp I think I can feel it. The shards of my heart stabbing me, cutting me from the inside out. I’m dying, but I still smile. I’m dying, but I still laugh. And I wish I could cry but all that’s left inside of me are the empty graves of the people who once said they loved me too. And I can’t blame them for leaving because I’ve had dreams of shedding my skin and floating away. Leaving my own body. And thats why I don’t hate them for leaving mine too. But it took me 6 months of drunken weekends to realize that feeling someone’s love was a lot different than just feeling a strangers body inside me. Cold broken pillow talk meant nothing when the sun came up. My body was just a favor of the night. So I wrapped myself up. I locked my body tight in an imprisonment of promises I struggled not to break. But drunken weekends turned into drunken days and instead of a strangers bed I found myself on my bathroom floor. And I don’t know if the pain in my back hurt as much as the pain of feeling used but my fucking god I just wanna wake up to a set of eyes that are as happy to see me in the morning as they were the night before. But here I am. It’s 3am again and I’m laying in bed. And although I think my heart has shattered so many times it may never be able to heal, I wish I was laying in yours.

Smoking Kills

So I guess I was like your cigarette. You lit me up, sparked a fire in my heart. Each long puff you killed me more and more. You craved me in the morning, wanted me in the evening, and begged for me before bed. You lived me, breathed me, and you knew that eventually you would die for me. But my life wasn’t worth your death. So you put me out. You broke me and threw me away. I knew I was toxic but I loved you so much. I gave away my life to fill your lungs. I don’t have a life without you. I’m sorry that I was just a bad habit that you had to break. I understand that smoking was never really your thing. I guess only some people can live a life with someone like death at their fingertips.

You

Our cold lips interlocked

As I felt the warmth inside him

Tiny flakes of white sprinkled around

Showering us

And though I was shivering

In that moment the world felt still

Paused

And I wish I could rewind

To a moment when he still loved me

But I can’t

I’m stuck here

In a never ending cycle of “you’re not good enough”s

But I’ll still kiss him back

Hoping to find the me I lost

My tongue searching his mouth for answers

But there’s no use

How do I find myself

When I’m not lost in a place

But a person

Who’s heart won’t accept me

How do I search for me

when I’m trespassing In you

I hope I didn’t lose a piece of me I still loved

Trying to love you

Enough for you to love me too

Over and Over Again

A repeating cycle that will never end. I don’t mean to break their hearts, and sometimes I think it hurts me to do it more than it has ever hurt them. I should feel love but my heart just feels empty. A fake smile, a fake laugh, and an even faker “I love you too”. I don’t mean it, and I don’t know if I ever really have. I keep telling myself that I’ll change. That I can be a better person, that I can make people happy . But the truth is, I am a devil in disguise. An evil covered in Clinique and cheap lipstick. But they all think that they know me. And maybe that’s why they don’t understand that when I cry rivers I am not crying because I feel, I am crying because I cannot. I am not a good person. And my love is as temporary as the drugs. I am Completely numb. And at night I lie awake wondering what it was. When did the crack in me completely shatter, and will I ever be put back together?